Boys of Summer

I am watching the world series and yes the yankees are in it. Oh how you loved the game- more than anyone i know. Nobody knew the game like you. I have your baseball glove and when i touch it it brings me comfort. you put your heart and soul into everything, baseball was just one of your loves. I have your writings about Roger clemens and when ever i read them i cry. You are always here with me no matter where i am, even at the Yankee game. I love you and for tonight lets root for the boys of summer. Love you mommy.

So here i am thinking about you and how much i miss and love you. It never gets easy, although somepeople say with time. Time is all I have and for the rest of my life my heart will ache for you. I still think this is all a nightmare and i will wake up and find you. My heart is broken you were and will always be my baby. I wont give into regrets our destinys were meant to be. The lord has his plan and i know i will hold you again. When i was with you in your castle you were at peace. You sent me home-remember you said "mom" and then i was back. My angel my beautiful baby build your castle and i will be there soon. Love Mommy.

Once A Yankee Fan

Today is another day without you, the other night my mind wondered back to when it was just you and me. I remembered the christmas when i bought you your first cowboy hat and a set of holstered guns- how times have changed-i tell Jenny no fake guns for the kids. times are different now back then it seemed safer all was good in this world. I thought about you in your walker with your pacifer in your mouth- it is so crystal clear. How i use to kiss and hug you over and over again. You were so beautiful and loving. I remember when we you use to watch the yankee games with me and yes cheer them on. No one would believe me unless they were there. Yes you cheering on the yankees- wish i had a video of it - you probally would have burned it. I dont know if i had anything to do with you and baseball but it gives me comfort to think that i did. I have the Thurman Munson jersey you bought me and it never occured to me that this was very big of you knowing how much you hated them. oh and you also bought me my yankee pull over which by the was i will wear later tonight when i watch them in the playoffs- they are playing the Angels- yeah i know what you would say- so lets pretend its just me and you and lets root for the yankees. love you Mommy.

To all of you who continue to love my son and your friend James i say with all my heart thank you. I cannot express in words how much the love you have for James continues to sustain me. I continue to learn about James through your writings- sometimes it makes me sad to know that there were things about my son that i didnt know- I feel as though i have cheated myself. I never knew James loved mint ice cream- what kind of mother doesnt know her sons favorite ice cream. I am crying now because i should have know his favorite ice cream- should have known a lot of things- one thing i know for sure is how much he loved his family and friends. James what a perfect name for you- although his birth name was to have been Jessie James- i think also perfect. My mom didnt think so- we settled on James Shawn. In a way i think Jessie James might have been exactly what he was- so thank you all for sharing and giving me these gifts.

To my first born- I have been reading Dearest James for the last 6 months and although it has been heart wrenching it has also given me strenght. I wanted to write sooner i just couldnt put my feelings into words. To write would be to acknowledge that you are not here what can i say- every day without you is unbearable sometimes it seems as though i cant go on. how is it possible that you are gone- i see you every where i hear you and wonder if you forgive me for all of my mistakes. You are my angel my beautiful baby how i just want to hold you and tell you how much i love you. i feel so empty and lost and wonder why how could god have taken you from all of us. I have your key chain-your tinker bell i worship it and hold and feel it and think of you. I know you are watching over us i feel your presence all the time. i think this is all a dream and i will wake up- i wait for you in my dreams and when i am with you all is beautiful- i am so angry-sleep is my only peace- and then i wake up and it begins all over again. James i will wait to see you again- nothing will ever be the same-